Why the 'normative family' is a threat to all of us
Plus: Some better news! Party pics, a fun LGBTQ family event on Sat and the book launch to end all book launches!
Just in case you were under any illusions that our rights as LGBTQ+ people are not under constant threat from this Tory government and the absolute berks that are yes, on the front bench but also alive and kicking in the shadowy corners of the Conservative Party, along comes Danny Kruger to make us feel like my four year old does after eating a jumbo bag of sweets, birthday cake and then bouncing on a trampoline: Sick - really sick!
“The normative family - held together by marriage, by mother and father sticking together for the sake of the children and the sake of their own parents and for the sake of themselves - this is the only possible basis for a safe and successful society.”
Danny Kruger, National Conservatism Conference in London yesterday
Downing Street was quick to distance itself from these comments but what about Cruella Baverman’s anti trans rhetoric at the same conference? …. Sorry to jump straight into your inbox with this nonsense, but I think it’s important we queer families and allies know what we’re up against right now.
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Our book is out! We had a party!
A good time was had!
To happier news! And the launch of our book The Queer Parent this time last week at the fabulous Shangri La hotel in London. Up the shard no less! Here are some photos from the event. Have you bought your copy yet? If you need a good reason to, and the above remarks at the Conservatism Conference are not enough to convince you of it’s importance, I wanted to share with you the speech that Stu and I made at the event.
Lotte: Hi everyone, thank you so much for coming.
Stu: it’s amazing to see so many supportive friends, allies and fellow queer parents here… When Lotte and I first launched our podcast we really enjoyed learning about each other's path to parenthood - through adoption and donor conception respectively - and sharing everything that we had in common and everything that was so different. This curiosity then saw us talk to a whole spectrum of other queer people on the show, who had children in even more different ways… it soon snowballed and now here we are celebrating our book which features so many different and wonderful types of families, and their stories and experiences alongside our own
Lotte: The fact that this is the first ever mainstream book about LGBTQ+ parenting is definitely something to celebrate but we do want to get real for a second… Living in the UK, especially in this little liberal bubble, it’s easy to think that things have never been better for queer families.
Stu: Look around us, here we are on top of the world, at a luxury hotel filled with wonderful queer people and allies with a Pride flag flying outside every day of the year.
Lotte: But just two stops away on the train from where we are now, in Dulwich of all places, there was recently a protest outside a local venue where a drag queen story hour was happening.
Stu: And then just down the river at the Tate Britain in February, crowds of bigots gathered outside to try and sabotage another event celebrating LGBTQ+ families.
Lotte: We’ve abolished Section 28 thank god, but its legacy lingers. In schools across the country, parents are still taking their children out of lessons that even mention the existence of queer people or of families like ours.
Stu: And then look at the legal fight that trans parents like our friend Freddy McConnell are having to have their gender be recognised on their child’s birth certificate, or the fact that while most straight couples living with HIV are able to start a family with fertility treatment, queer people are not.
Lotte: Or the crippling costs of fertility treatment for lesbians who despite a recent change to the law must often pay tens of thousands of pounds in private treatment before being offered the NHS service straight couples have access to after a period of ‘trying’.
Stu: Yes - we’ve come so far since the 1990s when one judge in America deemed that a young boy would be better off living with his father, a convicted felon, than his mother who was in a lesbian relationship. Her child was taken from her because of her sexuality - something inconceivable for most of us in this room tonight, but a shocking reality for many queer parents only a matter of decades ago.
Lotte: There’s so much still to fight for. In Italy at the moment the far right government has stopped same sex parents from being able to register the birth of their children. In Hungary, people are being urged to report families like ours to the authorities. These places are not far away, and neither are these fascist ideologies.
So what can we do?
Stu: Well, supporting our book The Queer Parent, is a start. We really hope this will be an invaluable resource for any queer person who is, or might want to become, a parent one day, but we also see it as a vital, urgent insight into the reality of every aspect of the queer parenting experience that will hopefully change or at least open some minds. Plus, at a time when our own queer community is trying to be ripped apart by ridiculous “alliances”, we need to stand strong and united together, and to do that we need to understand each other. This is why I’m so happy to have covered such a wide variety of stories in the book, and expanded our own knowledge of the LGBTQ+ community in the process.
Lotte: For any one in this room tonight who has been trying and trying to get pregnant, who has experienced miscarriage or loss, who has fostered, adopted, found a surrogate or a donor to help them along their journey, who is separated, widowed and yes, for the happily child free, for the guide parents, aunts, uncles, friends. Don’t let anyone tell you that your family is less valid than anyone else’s.
Stu: Being a queer parent is about being inclusive, empathetic, understanding and willing to explode and make new the very foundations of a nuclear family.
Lotte: Stu, it has been an absolute pleasure working on this book and the podcast with you. We first met when you were heading up the U.K. team at Disney and I was Deputy Editor of ELLE - who could have predicted that six years later we would be coauthors of a book and host an AWARD winning podcast together. I’ve loved getting to know you and your family - your energy, drive and positivity are endlessly inspiring. It’s rare to make a new best friend at our age, but I really have done with you. I know there are many more creative adventures to come for us.
Stu: You really are the Richard to my Judy Lot, the Ru to my Michelle. Every single step of the way you’ve made it enjoyable, fun and a true adventure. You came along at a difficult turning point in my life and helped navigate me down the right path. Your humour, fun and outlook on life always puts a smile on my face and you are a true friend and a huge part of my chosen family. Thank you for everything and I can’t wait for our next chapter.
Lotte: Huge thanks also to Carol, Jodie, Narjas, Sian, Laura, Martha and everyone at Bluburd who have been a dream to work with and our agents Abi and Martin
Stu: And to all of you - we are so happy you’ve all chosen to join us tonight to celebrate this book’s birth but ESPECIALLY our true partners in everything, John and Jenny. both born on the 23rd Feb. Must be something special about that date…. they support everything we do. We love you… But before this becomes like Gwyneth Paltrow’s Oscar speech, like all new parents we are tired, emotional and desperate for a drink,
Lotte: so please join us in toasting The Queer Parent and the future of modern families.
Huge thanks to the amazing Pink Singers for performing and reducing so many of us to tears with their song Chosen Family. We got some lovely feedback from Elizabeth Day. among many others.
Oh PS. .. Hot takes on hot boys
We’ve gone a bit rogue and launched a special From Gay To Ze micro podcast about the new gay reality TV dating show I Kissed A Boy. It’s on BBC3 so watch the first two episodes then join us here
And PPS… An event this Sat
Stu and I will be at The Maritime Museum in Greenwich from 10am-12pm on Saturday talking about the book and there will be great crafting events to keep the kids busy while we do so - come say hi! More info here