The Rude Daddy edition
Plus life as a gender queer parent in NYC, egg donation, famous lesbian basketball players share their baby news
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Last night I was trying to get my daughter to sleep as I do every night by staying with her until she finally drifts off (please tell me I’m not the only schmuck who does this?). I was sitting on the floor by her bed and telling her increasingly surreal stories about Miss Kitty and the time she lost her polkadot bow (look, I’m practically delirious with tiredness at this point too so forgive the weakness of my narrative).
She was faffing around - asking for a peanut butter bagel, a tickle back, to take her PJs off, to put them back on, to have a cold compress for some mysterious injury, you know the usual
She was faffing around - asking for a peanut butter bagel, a tickle back, to take her PJs off, to put them back on, to have a cold compress for some mysterious injury, you know the usual. I’d been sitting with her for almost an hour and a half by this point (I know I KNOW!) when she started doing handstands up against the wall I just lost it. It really takes a lot to make me shout - it doesn’t happen often. Instead what I’ve found works is saying: “OK, I’m going to use a cross voice in 5, 4, 3…” and she usually capitulates before I get to ‘1’. But last night I shouted at her, saying I was fed up, and was wasting my evening, and wanted to have time with Mummy and eat my dinner. She looked at me aghast and shook her head. “Oh”, she said indignantly. “You sound like a RUDE DADDY”. buuuuuuurn.
THE QUEER PARENT Q&A
This week we kick off a new series where one of our Gay to Ze subscribers tells us about their family. If you’d like to be featured one week please email us lotteandstu@gmail.com
Hey, I’m MKK, I’m 41 and live in Upper Manhattan NYC. I identify as queer and genderqueer and I use she/her. I'm a non-gestational butch queer parent of a gender nonconforming 6-year-old boy. He loves trains and cats and art, and I love taking him out on adventures around the city. I hate driving, so living in Manhattan for the past 18 years, where we can either walk or take public transit to everything, has been amazing. I don't know how people in suburbs or small towns manage to do it. My wife has some chronic pain and fatigue, so she's sometimes up for joining us on those adventures and sometimes opts for staying home. I've wanted to be a parent my entire life and got broody around age 26, but my wife wasn't sure she wanted to be a parent, so it took a while for her to figure it out. She finally decided she did around age 34 and wound up being the person to carry our kid. I'd always assumed I'd be the gestational parent (which seems to surprise people, since I'm the "butch one"), and expected to be really jealous or disappointed at being the nongestational parent, but it's actually turned out to be a fantastic experience that I wouldn't trade for the world.
Who’s in your family (and what do your kids call you?)
My 41-year-old wife (the gestational parent), who our son calls Mama, our 6-year-old son, and our 15-year-old cat, Alcibiades. Our son calls me Bibai.
What three words describe your journey to becoming a parent?
Joy, delight, and gratitude.
How did you become a parent?
We have a known donor, a college friend of mine who lives in another city. We froze his sperm and had it shipped to a sperm bank near Grand Central Station, which I was able to pick up and take home on the subway in a big silver tank. I took a selfie in the park with the tank before each attempt, just to document the whole bizarre ritual. We did three months of unmedicated, unassisted at-home ICI and then switched to three months of unmedicated, midwife-assisted at-home IUI. The third IUI worked!
What was the lowest moment on the way to building your family?
I think the hardest part for me was desperately wanting to be a parent for several years before my wife was ready. She took a long time to figure out whether it was something that she actually wanted, and I didn't want to push her, but that resulted in me pouring lots of angst and wibbling onto the secret blog I made so I could get all my feelings out without making her feel pressured. The last thing I wanted was to have a baby with someone who didn't want one, so I tried hard to play it cool, but during the times when I thought she might decide not to have children, I was pretty upset. I also snuck out to a few of the Gay Center's Planning Parenthood support group meetings without her knowledge. But hey! It all worked out!
What cultural artefact from your own childhood eg a film/cartoon/toy/game/popstar etc would you most love your kid to love too?
My kid and I have been bonding over 8-bit and 16-bit video game music lately, both the authentic stuff and more modern imitations of the genre. He also likes drawing imaginary levels from nonexistent 2D platformers (a la Mario, Metroid, Castlevania, etc), which is totally my nostalgic video game sweet spot.
Who is your queer parent hero?
Albin from the original 1978 version of La Cage Aux Folles (later remade in English as The Bird Cage)! It was my dad's favorite movie (French was his first language), and I saw it countless times as a kid. I definitely imprinted on him as a role model for how to be an incredible non-biological parent.
Your toxic parenting trait?
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