The one where my daughter tells the waiter she loves him...

Plus: Brave knights, prying strangers, Daddy issues and how to have a happy gay vacay🌴

Greetings from Ibiza, where the Jeffs family have gone to escape the bad weather in the UK with a more glamorous kind of bad weather. But really, what are the options at this time of year if you don’t want to go to Dubai because, er, gay rights, or fly longhaul with a three year-old who asks “Are we there yet” approximately five times every minute? Or throws-up mid-flight (as happened to Stu’s son on the way to Cuba). Or poops their pants mid-flight (as happened to Stu’s son on the way back from Cuba). And even in Europe, there’s always a chance you’ll be able to don your optimistically packed swimwear at least once. 

Holidays are just not the same with kids

But anyway, holidays are just not the same with kids are they? I was hoping to be driving around the island listening to my Ibiza Chill playlist, windows down, sunglasses on, not a care in the world. But instead, my daughter will not allow us to listen to any of our “boring sleepy grownup music” and insists our road trips through the glorious countryside are soundracked by the Doc Mc Stuffins album. “Time for a check up! Time for a check up!” screeches a shrill American in what is an infuriatingly catchy tune. Ah well, as long as the kid’s happy we’re happy. 

Lotte’s kid on the beach in Ibiza this week. The island is a super LGBTQ family friendly destination

After two years of lockdown I’m really enjoying seeing how she thrives in new environments and seems to grow each day. It feels like such a cliche, but experiencing the world anew, through her eyes, really makes me appreciate even the most mundane moments. The two hour wait while the man at the car hire company tried to fit the child seat into our vehicle turned into a magical adventure. She’s currently sitting at my feet on our terrace and has been flicking through a spa brochure for the past 30 minutes telling me a “Yumbum story but just some of it okay, because it’s very long”. And I am listening darling, I promise. 

She outs us as her two Mums at every opportunity

I’m also quite enjoying how brazenly she outs us as her two Mums at every opportunity. “Mummy and Mamaaaaaaa” she’ll call in public places as she thinks it’s hilarious when we answer “yesssss?” in unison. I’ve noticed other couples in the hotel give us a quick look, and then nod to each other as if to say, “you see, I was right, she isn’t the nanny!” One woman also checking into a hotel at the same time as us observed me chatting with my daughter and asked me: “Is she yours?” What a strange question. It’s one of those well meaning sayings that really should be banned because frankly, why is it any of a stranger’s business what an adult’s relationship to a child is? Maybe it’s complicated, maybe it’s not. If you want to spark up conversation why not instead try, “great kid! How old is she?” I made a joke of it by performatively asking my daughter if she was indeed ‘mine’ and she pleasingly shouted YES and jumped into my arms. 

E began asking if she could call me Dada not Mama. “Sure”, I said.

Something that might give rise to some confusion around our family is the fact that E has been using our Ibizan vacation to experiment with the word and concept of Daddy. It started at the breakfast buffet when she told us that “some families have two Mummies, a mum and a Dad or two Daddies, or one parent” which is a favourite and frequent topic of conversation in our house. Then we have to role play, where I pretend to be a kindly stranger asking if she has a Mum and Dad and she answers to the contrary. This time though the game veered in a different direction and E began asking if she could call me Dadda. “Sure”, I said.
“Will you have a different voice?” She asked.
“Nope, I’ll still be me whatever you call me”. So she tried it out for a while but quickly reverted to Mama.

Thriving as a queer family in a hetro world demands a very healthy sense of humour

That evening, when the room service waiter delivered a plate of plain pasta and cheese to our door at 8pm, E thanked him and then said, “I love you”. He blushed and began backing out of the room. “I love you Daddy”, E shouted after him. We all  had a good laugh. I really don’t think you can be precious about these things, and thriving as a queer family in a hetro world demands a very healthy sense of humour. Suffice to say we didn’t order room service again. 

That’s the end of this little postcard from Ibiza, as E has managed to lock her shoes in the safe and we need to checkout.

Wish you were here!
Lotte x

Our tips for a happy queer family holiday

Stu’s eldest on the beach in Cuba

On the subject of holidays, here are Stu and Lotte’s failsafe tips for travelling as an LGBTQ+ family. Please do share your tips with the group too

• Look into the LGBTQ rights of a destination before you book. We all have different opinions on how much the politics of a place will affect our desire to travel there. But even if you’re happy to jet off to Jamaica or the Middle East, knowing your rights as a family is important. This is a good place to start. And here are the 150 worst (and safest) countries for LGBTQ travel

• Take it in turns to eat out alone occasionally. There’s no point in both parents suffering through the chaos that is a family dinner every night. Don’t forget your book!

• Even if you’re heading to a gay-friendly destination, it’s worth researching the most common type of visitors with a hotel in advance to ensure you’ll be comfortable there. Reach out to the hotel manager before booking. 

• Pack an entire outfit change for each small person and store it somewhere accessible when flying. Let Stu’s Cuba flight be a lesson to you!

• As LGBTQ parents we often put extra pressure on ourselves for our children to be well behaved, as if they are somehow the public figureheads for queer families. Relax and try not to think the world is judging you!

• Pre-load iPads with Khan Academy - a brilliant educational app that doesn’t need wifi to work.

• Be sure to print off any documentation particularly in relation to adoption and parental orders. You may never be asked for it, but you’ll feel more secure knowing you have it.

• Plan your days on holiday so you both get time to yourself.

• Consider an all-inclusive hotel. Even if you wouldn’t have dreamt of this pre-kids, it eliminates so much stress.

• Address any issues such as not being given a double bed immediately. Don’t just settle because you don’t want to make a fuss!

• Find somewhere to stay with a terrace, balcony or outdoor space so you can chill in the evening while the kids are asleep in the room.

• No ice cream after 6pm - EVER!

GOLD STAR!

Forgive the proud Mum moment but this week’s gold star has to go to Lotte’s daughter who said to the waiter who called her “princess”, “I’m not a princess I’m a brave knight”. Take that patriarchy!

The Brave Knight and her Sword

TIME OUT!

This week it’s the UK government we’re expelling with immediate effect. What a cruel insult to exclude trans people from the conversion therapy ban! Hopefully many of you are attending the Ban Conversion Therapy protest at 10 Downing Street at 1pm today. If you haven’t done so already, please consider donating to the Legal Defence Fund for Transgender Lives here and also writing to your MP - this from Stonewall makes it so easy.

NEWS FLASH!

We are very excited to announce that Lotte’s first novel THIS LOVE is going to be published by Dialogue Books next year and readers of From Gay To Ze will no doubt enjoy its literary romp through the concept of queer and chosen family. The story follows Mae and Ari who meet at university and quickly become inseparable. Mae has known she was gay since a young age, is shy but waifishly attractive and never short of a date. American newcomer Ari brings Mae out of her shell; he’s flamboyant and his bright light draws in everyone he meets. They soon realise this friendship will become the most significant of their lives, but when Ari’s past drags him back towards darkness, they must find a way to stay true to themselves and the family they want to build. Lotte says: “I wanted to write a story about the passion of queer friendship that I have felt and how that platonic love evolves throughout a life. I explore the fluidity of family through characters who I hope everyone will fall in love with”. Read the full announcement here!  

TTC FFS!

This week we are thinking of all those who may have received disappointing news about their IVF journey. We know how emotionally draining this experience is - Lotte has been through it (unsuccessfully) as have so many of our readers. We just wanted to extend our thoughts and very gay non-secular prayers to all of you trying to conceive. It can be a rough ride. But please remember you’re not alone.

ps. If you’ve read this far GOLD STAR to you! What would you like to see more of from this newsletter? We take notes very well, so don’t hold back! Email lotteandstu@gmail.com or …