Queer Panic at Pride Month
A trip to the headteacher's office brings out Lotte's anxious side
I write this having spent the morning outside the head teachers office. I’m not in trouble. At least not yet. I’ve been emailing my daughter’s school to ask how they plan to celebrate Pride Month and offer my services (I run workshops with kids based on my picture book My Magic Family) and after a few friendly follow ups - teachers are busy, I get it - we had a meeting.
When I didn’t hear back from the head at first, I started having that all too familiar queer panic. Had I overstepped? Was it inappropriate of me to push this Pride month ‘agenda’. Did it look like I was just trying to promote my book? Was I the annoying middle class parent, Kevin from Motherland basically, always trying too hard to get involved with the school? Was I simply creating more work for teachers at the most stressful time of year? And worst - what if I end up encountering some homophobia here - do I need to steel myself?
Had I overstepped? Was it inappropriate of me to push this Pride month ‘agenda’. Did it look like I was just trying to promote my book? Was I the annoying middle class parent, Kevin from Motherland basically, always trying too hard to get involved with the school? Was I simply creating more work for teachers at the most stressful time of year?
All of these thoughts were still running through my head as I sat on a tiny chair being stared at by red faced, sweaty kids trooping into the hall from playtime.
Normally, I am so confident in my sexuality, and I usually think the best of people. I move through the world mainly assuming no one will have a problem with me or my family. But as any queer person will understand, at the back of your mind there is often a ‘what if’. Particularly when you are putting yourself out there in one way or another.
Maybe all this crazy homophobia I’m reading about in the news from parents in schools across the US at the moment has got under my skin. (Paid subscribers get a news links round up below).
Anyway, I gave myself a little talking to: This was important. It was also one of the things we suggest parents can do in our book The Queer Parent and so it was only right I should test out our advice irl. And come on! My daughter’s school is on the more bohemian side of state education, kids don’t wear uniforms, their values are all about equity and kindness. It was going to be fine!
And of course it was. The head gladly accepted a copy of The Queer Parent and we spoke about working a more focused Pride celebration into the curriculum next year. She suggested I take a look at what the school is currently doing for LGBTQ education and offer my thoughts on how it could be improved. I’m going to read My Magic Family to Year One and Year Four and chat to the children about different kinds of families including ones with queer parents.
It was a great result. But the fact is, however out and proud you are, it is daunting having to advocate for yourself and your community. Particularly when you feel like you’re the only one flying the flag.
But the fact is, however out and proud you are, it is daunting having to advocate for yourself and your community. Particularly when you feel like you’re the only one flying the flag.
I know there are other queer parents at my daughter’s school, but weirdly I also felt anxious about asking them to join me in my attempts to engage the headteacher on LGBTQ issues. Not all queer people want to be ‘out’ in this way. I didn’t want to get a reputation for being too pushy and ‘political’. They may well have been fine about it and happy to have been asked, but you know, this all feels like new ground. There’s no rule book or precedents and the truth is, I don’t want to rock the boat with the relationships I’m building with fellow parents at the school gates.
I wanted to share this with Gay to Ze readers today to show that feeling anxious and insecure about standing up for yourself and your family is totally normal. I’ve built a whole career out of talking about myself and LGBTQ issues and still I was second-guessing myself, over-thinking and worrying for no reason.
When people ask me how they can be better allies - I’m going to use this as an example. Wouldn’t it have been great if a straight parent had been the one to ask if the school was doing anything for Pride month! What if I’d been invited to a Pride assembly without having been the one to suggest it! As a minority it often falls to us to lobby for the change we want to see. And that’s fine but sometimes - well - it’s tiring, especially for the chronic over-thinkers among us.
Wouldn’t it have been great if a straight parent had been the one to ask if the school was doing anything for Pride month!
I remember last year this fantastic note from my daughter’s nursery being sent out to all parents. And I hadn’t even had to stand there holding a Pride flag to the teacher’s head as they wrote it.
So this a reminder to any allies reading this, now’s your chance! Step in, stand up and help us advocate for the LGBTQ+ community in schools, workplaces and at home. And remember, Pride is for life, not just for June.
News: Trigger warning comes as standard
I’ve been feeling pretty overwhelmed by all the stories coming out of the US at the moment about LGBTQ+ book banning, and protests outside schools and queer families being harassed or worrying that their parental rights are under threat. I wanted to collate some of these stories to share with you - but if you are a queer parent in the US I’d love to hear from you. How are you or your children affected by these issues? What does it feel like to have hard won rights seemingly taken away? We’d love to hear from you!