Phew! Turns out I like my kid
Plus: What not to say to bisexual parents
Greetings from the last day of my holiday from parenting. If you read last week’s newsletter you’ll remember my wife and daughter have been visiting the grandparents in France and I’ve had nine blissful days home alone before going out to join them.
It’s been a much-needed break. Here’s what I’ve learnt.
Lie-ins are great but weirdly don’t make me feel any less tired in the day
Without the constant stimulation of a 4-year-old I end up spending a ridiculous amount of time on Instagram liking pictures of other people’s kids
Free from the overwhelming identity of ‘parent’ I’ve felt more able to explore my queer identity and think about how I present myself outside of just grabbing the first Tshirt and pair of shorts I can find. I’ve enjoyed having the time and opportunity to curate my style a bit more and show up in the world as a queer person and really feel and enjoy that otherness again.
I might think I miss things like being able to go to a gallery or the cinema on a whim now I have a kid, but actually with the real possibility of being able to do this at any time it turns out I can’t be bothered
I am capable of reading more than a page of a book at a time. Woo!
I am a fun person after all. I went to a party and was THE LAST TO LEAVE (this never happens)
Quiet is an absolute luxury that I will never take for granted again. I think I’ll make more effort to seek out moments of peace when normal life resumes
I miss the physicality of having a four year old. I miss the weight of her body in my arms, her little hand in my hand, all the hugs and the face licks she gives me and how she clambers on to my shoulders and over my head. I’ve really felt the absence of that physical intimacy.
Even without a kid, days just disappear and you still feel like you’ve got nothing done. Time passes differently, sure, but I don’t think I’ve been more productive
Overall I am pleased with my life choices. I’ve realised having a child has taken very little from me, beyond sleep but that’s over rated any way. I am lucky that I manage to still see friends and have some ‘me time’ even when I’m in parent mode and actually the presence of my daughter has just enriched my day to day existence in such an incredible way. Even if in the moment, I don’t always realise it.
BISEXUAL PARENTS ARE NOT UNICORNS!
If you’re bisexual and are in a cis het relationship when you have kids, the world reads you as ‘straight’. And in the LGBTQ parenting space, although the ‘B’ is sandwiched in there, it’s rare that we see bisexual parents represented or included. We spoke to Lucy and Paul, a couple who both identify as bisexual. They have a four-year-old.
How do you both stay in touch with your queer identity within an ostensibly hetero relationship?
Paul: For me, as our relationship has progressed and I have grown older and more comfortable in myself and my sexuality I have taken on more visible symbols of my bisexuality, dressing with items with the bi flag on for example. This has also coincided with having our child and coming out of lockdown and reengaging with the world more generally.
We both talk openly about our experience as queer people and how we have both navigated our sexualities through teens, university and as adults which I think helps us to stay connected to our identity as broader than that which is visible on the surface to the casual observer.
Lucy: Right now, with difficulty. This is something I always used to do through nightlife - I hosted a queer cabaret night, and I used to go out with friends to queer spaces. My work as a performance poet offered a lot of opportunities to express and explore my identity in all kinds of ways. Since pregnancy, the pandemic, and new motherhood, my options feel very limited.
How and when do you plan to talk to your kid about being bisexual?