Never say this to gay Dads...
Plus: spring cleaning, Claudia Winkleman, rage face emojis and the joy of licking windows
My wife and I have very different approaches to spring cleaning. I’m in the ‘out of sight out of mind’ camp which means I have no qualms about throwing random things in drawers, bundling unfolded clothes into the wardrobe and putting bits of Duplo in the same box as cuddly toys if it means I can clear the playroom up and get to that first glass of wine in the evening quicker. (Note how I felt the need to make clear it was an evening glass of wine - we’re not in lockdown any more folks).
Meanwhile, Jen will let things pile up (which I never do) because she will have to clear out a cupboard and hoover it before putting everything neatly back into it. This means devoting hours to the chore rather than my slapdash 20 minute blitz. She can’t stand the thought that behind every closed cupboard door is a tangle of items I’ve labeled ‘miscellaneous’, whereas I just think - the house looks tidy on the surface, let’s light a scented candle and not think about what lies beneath!
Behind every closed cupboard door is a tangle of items I’ve labeled ‘miscellaneous’
While I was hiding some of my daughter’s toys in the garden shed yesterday so I didn’t actually have to sort out her toy cupboard and make space for them (boring!), I started thinking about how we deal with the emotional paraphernalia of parenting in a similar way.
So often the demands of being in the moment with kids leaves little time for reflection. “Excuse me while I just take five to consider how YOU rolling around on the floor of Sainsbury’s because you’re not allowed another bag of chocolate buttons makes ME feel and how it triggers memories of my own childhood and relationship with my parents - bear with”. I mean - AS IF! Life with small children is about surviving, and it’s easier to shove all of those feelings we have into a big old perspex storage box and squeeze the lid shut than really take the time to sort them out properly.
So often the demands of being in the moment with kids leaves little time for reflection.
For me, seeing a therapist a couple of times a month is my way of hoovering out the cupboard of my mind (is this metaphor still working? Let’s roll with it).
Everything I’ve learnt about adoption from Stu makes me think that therapeutic parenting training and pre-adoption counselling, along with all of the self and relationship analysis encouraged as part of the process, is something every new parent should be offered, regardless of how their families are created. We all have baggage, and let’s face it, as queer people we might come with an extra LV trunk or two.
Stu and I often talk to each other about our parenting struggles, even if it’s a quick What’sApp accompanied by a few rage face emojis. I remember over lockdown, with three children under five at home, Stu sharing that his personal nadir resulted in him lying on the kitchen floor crying. But he got up again - of course he did. Because that’s what we do. We keep going.
Because that’s what we do. We keep going.
And I am so grateful that we had our weekly chats recording the podcast Some Families throughout 2020, as sharing the truth about what it took to get through each day was as effective as a double g&t for taking the edge off it.
So don’t let social media fool you. Behind every perfect looking LGBTQ Parenting influencer’s post about their happy rainbow family, there’s a difficult reality. Just like how in my apparently tidy house, if you open the door to the loft, a Sylvanian Family treehouse is likely to fall on your head.
So I guess the point of this whole ramble is to say that this Easter half term, in between the trips to IKEA and B&Q as you plan to redecorate the kids’ rooms or sort out the boxes in the basement, or even - eeek - get the house ready for a new arrival, maybe it’s a good time to Marie Kondo your emotional wellness too. Have a chat with a friend or your partner about the hard parts of parenting, consider seeing a therapist, or download some of our podcasts to at least know you’re not alone.
NEWS FLASH!
This week to New York, where a lesbian couple are suing their fertility clinic for having a ‘male’ embryo implanted by mistake. This is a story to chew over for sure. They did not want a boy because one of the women had been sexually assaulted by a man and told The New York Post: “We didn’t want to have a boy because of the assaults and because of the socialisation of boys – there’s constant socialisation of what it means to be a ‘real man.’” They are suing the Fertility Centre on 11 counts including breach of contract, medical malpractice and battery. We’re just going to leave this story here, because there are A LOT of different layers to it. It’ll spark some interesting discussions one way or the other!
GOLD STAR!
This week’s gold star goes to the fabulously fringed Claudia Winkleman. When faced on her radio show with a guest who started talking about “mums” picking up their kids and other gendered “mother” roles, Claudia stopped him in his tracks and suggested… “or Dads, or even just parents.” With this simple correction she included not just the queer parenting community, but also supported the continued battle for gender equality in parenting generally. She bangs!
TIME OUT!
Stu here! You name an English Country Estate and there’s a high chance me and my husband John have had a pootle round and a cup of tea in it at one stage or another. We are National Trust stalwarts and when we became Dads we were excited to bring our three kids along to share in the joy of a Regency bedroom and a ceiling fresco. Imagine our horror then, when we recently rocked up at one of our favourite properties (which shall remain nameless out of the goodness of our hearts), to have a man at the reception desk take one look at the two of us and our - in that moment at least - delightfully well-behaved kids and say… drum roll please…
“Mum’s day off is it?”
Come on people! We’re here, we’re queer, we’re spending £15 on colouring pencils and postcards in your gift shop, make an effort to to see us and respect our family please!
YOU GET A FREE BOOK! AND YOU GET A FREE BOOK! AND YOU GET A FREE BOOK!
We have partnered with our friends at Puffin Books to give away five copies of The Last Firefox a fantasy adventure novel for 8-12 year-olds by queer author Lee Newbery. It stars a young boy with two Dads who are in the midst of adopting a second child.
As he goes on a magical quest Charlie wants to be more brave, stand up to his bullies and help to look after the new sibling his parents are preparing for. Email lotteandstu@gmail.com if you’d like us to send you a copy.
Barometer: What our kids are loving and hating this week
Loving …
Licking train windows
Because why not?
Asking strangers why they are so fat
Genuinely intrigued
Talking about Easter
How many chocolate eggs is not enough chocolate eggs?
Hating…
Half term
Everything’s better at nursery
Wearing a coat
The sun’s shining so it has to be hot
Hair washing
Warn the neighbours - there will be screaming
PS. The eagle-eyed among you will remember we teased something very exciting last week. Well, consider yourself teased a bit longer as we can’t make the announcement just yet. Have Lotte and Stu replaced JVN and Tan on Queer Eye? Is someone having a baby? Will Kristen Stewart be playing Lotte in a queer parenting biopic? You’ll just have to wait and see!
PPS. Email us your thoughts and feelings! We want to hear from you lotteandstu@gmail.com