Manifesting babies? Cheaper than IVF
Plus: Gay drama at the zoo, RIP gender reveal parties, queer cliques and a new name for The Ivy
I was reminded this week of the gay male penguins in a Dutch zoo who stole a lesbian couple’s nest of eggs in order to raise the baby penguins as their own. They had previously taken a heterosexual couple’s egg and the zoo keeper told press: “After obtaining an egg to hatch last year, they even managed to hijack an entire nest this year at an unguarded moment, so it turns out to be a very determined couple”.
While I am living for the shaaaaade of it all, and have dropped everything to work on my Netflix pitch for a Real Housewives-style reality series following a pack of entitled gay penguins as they navigate life, love and everything in between - I am also conflicted.
Does this penguin drama play into a wider toxic narrative about the relationship between lesbian, gay and trans people in the parenting community?
OK, sure, I’m guilty of overthinking what is no more than a click-baity headline that sent Daily Mail readers spinning, with one anonymous commenter exclaiming ‘Woke penguins! Whatever next!’ and another Dorking-based man called Mike expressing his concern that ‘penguins are being forced to choose their sexuality’.
But allow me my Carrie Bradshaw moment as I sit at my laptop, look thoughtfully out of a window and tap a pen to my lip while considering how to turn this random frippery into a meaningful column subject…
There is undoubtedly cliqueness in the queer community. We even create niches within niches, from bears to twinks, studs to femmes - for all of our anti hetero-conformity, we love a label more than a teenager in TK Max. Rarely do our L, G or T worlds collide socially as club nights cater to one type of gay and social media means we can curate our echo chambers to be entirely reflective of our selves.
“Allow me my Carrie Bradshaw moment as I sit at my laptop, look thoughtfully out of a window and tap a pen to my lip while considering how to turn this random frippery into a meaningful column subject…”
But what is so wonderful about the experience of queer parenting is that it breaks down all these high school-like ‘tribes’ and unites us in the chaotic reality of making and raising children outside of the cis-het ‘norm’. Our experiences as Trans Dads, or lesbian Mums via IVF or gays Dads via surrogacy or as single people adopting are important, and feeling part of these specific communities can be helpful. But personally, what I’ve enjoyed about getting to know Stu and his family and all the other families I’ve met since having a kid myself, is how different our route to parenthood has been, but how much we suddenly have in common.
And it’s more than this - parenting generally gives us something to chat to the straight neighbours about, sure, but becoming a parent as a queer person gives us a deeper way to connect to other LGBTQ+ people with children - because however we started or are trying to start our families, the heartbreak, the effort, the expense, the longing, the waiting is something we uniquely share.
On closer reading of the penguin story it appears not so black and white (get it?!). The zoo keeper admitted that the Dads were basically the nightmare divas of the Zoo. “Every couple has a house in the residence, but this couple has appropriated two houses,” he said. So let’s not read too much into this inter-community conflict, some gay parent penguins are just bad eggs. It’s the children I feel sorry for!
Lotte x
PS. For those wondering about the outcome of our primary school gamble that I wrote about last week… E got in to the queer-friendly school. Phew!
TIME OUT!
A sad and serious incident of homophobia we felt it was important to acknowledge this week. Robbie Pierce, his husband and their two young children were enjoying a train ride from their home in LA to Oakland, California, when a man sitting opposite them began yelling abuse that was shockingly directed at their 6-year-old son.
“When you’re dealing with your children and you feel like they’re being threatened, you’re kind of fearless.”
Robbie told NBC news that the man shouted “Marriage is between a man and a woman. They stole you, and they’re pedophiles.” Immediately, he and his husband, Neal Broverman, stood up and got in between the man and their children, who started sobbing.“I’m not a big guy, but I wasn’t nervous,” Broverman said. “When you’re dealing with your children and you feel like they’re being threatened, you’re kind of fearless.” Robbie’s twitter feed documenting the incident went viral. Read it here. What a horrific reminder that our families are not safe from this kind of hatred.
GOLD STAR!
Today’s gold star goes to US press secretary Jen Psaki for not hiding the intensity of her feelings and breaking down in tears while discussing Florida’s Don’t Say Gay bill on a podcast. “Ahh I'm going to get emotional about this issue - because it's horrible,” she said, starting to sob. “But it’s like kids who are bullied and all these leaders are taking steps to hurt them and hurt their lives and hurt their families [...] And you look at some of these laws in these states and it's going after parents who are in loving relationships who have kids. It’s completely outrageous”, Psaki added. You can listen to the full podcast here
KIDS SAY THE FUNNIEST THINGS…
We had been talking a lot about IVF in front of E when I was in the midst of treatment last year, thinking she wasn’t really paying attention. Around the same time we had a lovely lunch at The Ivy which E, being a mini Joan Collins, adored. She was desperate to tell anyone who would listen about how she ate chocolate ice cream and had milk in a teacup but insisted on calling the restaurant The IVF.
NEWS FLASH!
Our favourite queer super model Cara Delevingne is ‘manifesting’ a baby! The woman who wore the slogan ‘Peg The Patriarchy’ to the MET Gala told Harper’s that she buys children’s clothes for a future child “who doesn’t exist”. She says, “Baby shoes really get me – they break my heart. I went shopping the other day and I bought these tiny Air Jordans, which are purple and they have a lion on them. I’m manifesting..." Could ‘manifesting’ be a new route to queer parenting? It’s certainly cheaper than IVF.
My Magic Family - storytelling and craft event open for all!
If you live in London or are looking for a reason to visit, please come along to a special event Lotte is hosting with Sharon Davey who did the amazing illustrations in her picture book My Magic Family. It’s at The Discovery Centre in Stratford on 28 May at 1pm. Would be great to see some Gay To Ze readers there! Oh and you can preorder the book here
Ps. Can THIS please be the end of gender reveal parties?