Little endings, little beginnings
Queer parenting and learning to let go
Ever since my daughter started preschool when she was three, I’ve found myself getting quite emotional at this time of year, as I reflect on the end of a significant passing of time. Last July, I was in tears as I picked her up and said goodbye to the amazing teachers who looked after her for the last time. It was actually quite embarrassing and really took me by surprise. I hadn’t realised how significant our first experience of external childcare had been for us as a family. I remember E looking at me as I tried to hide my sobs, like ‘Mama, WTF, pull it together!’ and it was hard to explain quite why it had affected me as deeply as it did.
I wonder if it was partly nostalgia for my own childhood - and knowing how quickly it passes. And also, certainly in E’s case, we’d found a wonderful LGBTQ+-friendly nursery which celebrated Pride and sent out a message to all parents informing them of its history, right down to the fact that it was trans women of colour who instigated the first queer rights protests. There were a sense of her being safe there and I guess when she left I was worried about the life of mainstream education that lay ahead for her.
Parenting is a series of tiny losses set against galloping progress. It’s a head fuck!
And now, she is coming to the end of her first year in reception at a school which has thankfully ended up being just as lovely and progressive as her nursery. As the group What’sApp is popping off with reminders about the summer fair, music gala, sports day, drama performance, parents evening and so on, I can’t help but fall into this kind of maudlin contemplative mood once more. She’ll never be four going on five again. Waaaah!!
Parenting is a series of tiny losses set against galloping progress. It’s a head fuck!
And as a family, we’ve all grown so much since September last year. E is now able to make it home from school without collapsing into a wild, hungry, tired, over-stimulated tantrum, and I’ve learnt to let go a bit and to accept that I can’t really control how many fish fingers she does or doesn’t eat at lunch, how much water she drinks throughout the day, whether she does a wee when she needs to, or how she’ll respond to another kid being mean to her - but I know now, she’ll figure it out, and also, it doesn’t really matter.
She’s made great new friends, I’ve made a few, tentative new parent friends (this is a work in progress - perhaps a subject for another newsletter), and we’ve all been indoctrinated into school life to the point that I’m donating raffle prizes for the summer fair (how many copies of The Queer Parent is too many?), volunteering on trips and even hosting an assembly about different kinds of families. I wonder though, if once you have more than one child, such experiences become less precious. You don’t have time to dwell on it in the same way.
Stu, my co-author and podcast husband, who, for those that don’t know, has three adopted children, all at primary school. He says: “Our youngest will be starting reception this September. Because he has been attending the school’s nursery/pre-school I don’t feel that nervous about it as it won’t feel like too much of a change for him. But my daughter, who is heading into Year 3(!!!) is now moving from Key Stage 1 to Key Stage 2. It’s a reminder of how quick things go and I’m sure in a blink of an eye she will be doing her GCSEs and giving me serious eye-rolls for asking her to do her revision. I need to hold onto these thoughts as I give a glazed smile through yet another assembly where they warble a French song taught to them by the retired French teacher, because before I know it they will be asking me to stay away rather than looking at me with excitement as we applaud them from the uncomfortable benches we are perched on.”
Any way, my point it - if you are coming to the end of a stage with your kid this month, or maybe gearing up for the next one, lock in all those memories while you can. The good (eg. watching E embrace her two best friends in the playground with that absolute crushing passion of childhood friendship), the bad (eg. watching E fall asleep standing up while playing the recorder at her end of term music gala) - hold on to these moments before they slip away.
PRIDE! PRIDE! PRIDE!
Happy London Pride! Did you go with your family? We’d love to see some pictures and share them in the next newsletter if you did. Please email us at lotteandstu@gmail.com
NEWS FLASH!
Before I round up some of the week’s queer parent related news stories, I wanted to flag this troubling news about the reopening of the V&A’s Museum of Childhood in Bethnal Green as Young V&A. According to this piece in Artist Professional, a letter sent to The Public and Commercial Services Union members at the V&A says the decision to remove a poster advocating for trans rights and two illustrated books on queer identities was made by the museum’s director. The poster was produced by charity Stonewall and read: ‘Some people are trans, get over it!’. The books removed from the YVA bookshop - Seeing Gender and Here and Queer - are illustrated books, the first on expressing and understanding the complexities of gender and the second a guide aimed at girls to educate on aspects of queer life, such as coming out and Pride. Hmmmmmm…. Read the full story here
More links worth a read…
'We do feel like family. We are also kind of strangers: For Sofia Carianna, finding the sperm donor her mother used to get pregnant wasn't about answering lifelong questions…
Gay couple from Havant share their first year as parents in docuseries A Parent is Born.
I Told My Mum I'm A Porn Star. I Couldn't Have Been More Wrong About How She'd React
West Shore school officials search library for two LGBTQ books a parent objected to
COMING SOON!
We’ll be back soon with a queer family holiday special edition. Stay tuned x