Is this the queerest book from your 80s childhood?

Frog & Toad 4eva 💕 Explaining Donald Trump to a 4 year old 🇺🇸 Equal parenting 👨‍👨‍👦

Mar 12, 2023

I was thrilled to rediscover one of my favourite childhood books at my Mum's house yesterday. And realise how queer it is. Frog and Toad were the OG gay couple. They would have made brilliant amphibious parents don't you think? I then when on a bit of a deep dive and discovered this New Yorker article about the barely veiled queerness of Arnold Lobel's children's books : https://www.newyorker.com/books/page-turner/frog-and-toad-an-amphibious-celebration-of-same-sex-love

“Mamaaaaaaa…”

‘When do you die?’

‘Who do you hate?’

‘Do you love me more than Grandma?’ (asked in front of Grandma!🤦🏻‍♀️)

These are just some of the questions I’ve been completely blindsided by this weekend as my four-and-a-half year old continues to drop these existential bombshells into day to day life. And it’s always when I least expect it, like when we’re just about to leave the house to visit a friend and I’m running around throwing spare clothes, squishymallows and snacks into a Bag for Life. Being the gentle parent I am, I try not to scream “why can’t you just ask me if I would rather eat a maggot ice cream or a poo cake like you used to. I am TIRED”. And instead I try to proffer some kind of well-balanced, thoughtful response. But it’s so hard, isn’t it, to feel like you’ve said the right thing and haven’t planted some deep anxiety that is going to come up in therapy 30 years from now, or have accidentally introduced them to concepts far beyond their years.

It’s so hard, isn’t it, to feel like you’ve said the right thing and haven’t planted some deep anxiety that is going to come up in therapy 30 years from now, or have accidentally introduced them to concepts far beyond their years.

I must admit that I did not feel equipped to answer the death question☠️ when it was unexpectedly fired at me today. I think, honestly, I just changed the subject and dismissed it. SORRY PARENTING GURUS. I would actually love your advice on this reader - do you have any good responses to this question up your sleeve that I can borrow for next time?

PODCAST !

(If you don’t use Spotify listen here)

On our fantastically amazing must-listen podcast From Gay To Ze last week we dedicated our episode to the experience of IVF and the various financial and psychological burdens it entails. I shared my own experience of failed IVF. Please listen if you’re going through fertility treatment or send it on to someone who is - there’s lots of great advice in the episode and some more positive stories than my own.

We’re very excited to have Paul Morgan-Bentley on the podcast later next week. He is the author of a brilliant book called The Equal Parent. In advance of him coming on the show he has been good enough to answer these queer parenting quick fire questions. Be sure to tune in on Thursday as we learnt sooo much about the biology of parenting which was so interesting for Stu and I as people who didn’t actual birth our children nor share any genes with them.

Thank you for reading From Gay to Ze. This post is public so feel free to share it.

Over to Paul…

Tell us a bit about your new book:

After becoming parents, my husband and I loved how liberated we were from the societal pressures that our straight friends faced when it came to stereotypical parenting roles. We were particularly struck by how little was often expected of us as male parents - and how much praise we were getting for doing the basics that no woman would ever be thanked for.

I had not thought much about parenting equality before having our son but suddenly this felt like such an obvious problem facing my generation of new parents. While we strive for equality in the office - and rightly expect no less from women at work than from men - there is still no real expectation of gender equality at home.

My book, The Equal Parent, is an investigation of the truths behind the myths about gender and parenting roles. Is there really a mother’s instinct? Why do mothers seem to wake first when babies cry at night? Why do dads still usually take so little time off work to bond with their babies?

The book includes my experiences as a gay dad, interviews with other non-traditional families, as well as research from around the world, and conversations with leading scientists. The findings are really clear (spoiler alert!). Parenting equality would benefit all of us: mothers, fathers and, most importantly, our children.

Who’s in your family (and what do your kids call you?)

Me, my husband Robin and our son, Solly, who will be three in March.

We tried Dad and Daddy for a while but Solly was having none of it. He now calls us Daddy Pauly and Daddy Robin.

What three words describe your journey to becoming a parent?

All-encompassing. Surprising. Fun!

How did you become a parent eg known donor/adoption/surrogacy etc?

Egg donation and surrogacy in the UK

What was the lowest moment on the way to building your family?

I think many queer people can go through a kind of grieving process in their early lives, when they come to terms with the very real possibility that they won’t ever have children. That was definitely true for me. I can picture myself in my room as a teenager, distraught and trying to work out if it was worth pretending to be straight for the sake of a family. That was the lowest time.

Do you remember anything about your first day with a child of your own? What were you thinking/ feeling / most worried about?

In the delivery room, Robin and I took turns to sit in an armchair and hold Solly. I can still see his newborn face, his tiny bright eyes and little left arm below me and feel his skin warming against my chest. He was wearing a beige woollen hat that was too small for his head and kept creeping up and popping off. Robin took over and Solly must have been particularly comfortable because he pooed black meconium onto Robin’s arm and jeans.

I also remember watching Rachel, our friend and surrogate who carried Solly, and James, her husband, cuddling him for the first time. They were such magical moments. We all cried and were beaming at each other. It was impossible to comprehend what Rachel had done for us. We are still really close to Rachel and James and their two sons and spend a few weeks together at each other’s homes throughout the year.

In the hours after Solly was born, Robin and I were up through the night watching him with the lights low. I remember feeling that extreme mix of love and fear that I’m sure many other parents will recognise. I was crouching over his hospital cot with my hands out, trying to touch his chest lightly enough to confirm he was breathing without waking him, over and over again, just to make 100 per cent sure he was still alive, that we had not screwed it all up already.

What from your own childhood would you most love your kid to love too?

He is obliged to love Whitney.

Who is your queer parent hero?

Freddy McConnell. We spent an afternoon together for my book and I just really liked him and admired him as a parent. He’s also a single parent with two children who is busy on the side fighting to change the law so that trans men can be legally recognised as fathers.

Your toxic parenting trait

I hate it when I catch myself using that unbearable passive aggressive primary school teacher voice. Solly, do we throw our food on the floor? Come on, we tidy up when we make a mess. Arrghhhhh.

Most annoying thing anyone has ever asked you about your family?

But who is his real dad?

If you were marooned on a desert island with your kid - what 3 things would you need to survive?

Dummies, a massive book of children’s stories and a barrel of gin for after bedtime.

Most fabulously queer thing you’ve ever done with your kids

Solly loves his rainbow leggings. If he had his way, he would wear them every day. He runs up the ramp to his nursery in them and I can hear Ru Paul in my head chanting “sissy that walk”.

Funniest thing your kids have ever said relating to your own queer family

For a small period when Solly was almost two he called us “Daddy and other Daddy”.

What kind of parent to a teenager do you think you’ll be?

One who tries much too hard to be cool.

What one thing that your parents did with you will you never do with your kids?

Sent me to a religious school.

Words of advice to fellow queer parents?

Live openly and proudly, if you feel you can. You never know which isolated and confused teenager might see you, or hear you talk about your family, and be inspired to feel more hopeful about the possibilities in their future.

📖 BUY Paul’s brilliant book here

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Wife Material is a show featuring married comedy duo Heleana and Sophia Blackwell. Through the medium of stand up, poetry storytelling and musical comedy, it tells the story of life before and long after the wedding day. Hear about dating disasters, lockdown love, and the similarities and differences between Italian and West Indian mothers, plus advice on the best way to fit a duvet cover and how to cope with being slut-shamed by your bank. Directed by multi-award-winning comedian Maria Shehata, Wife Material is a celebration of silliness, chosen family and queer joy.

It’s on at Brighton Fringe from the 7th-11th May. For tickets click here: https://www.brightonfringe.org/events/wife-material/

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