"I'm Mama, my wife is Mummy - the distinction is as important as Mum and Dad"
Helicopter 'other mothers', banned books, scooting woes and Oscar Isaac's skirt
Welcome to our FIRST EVER newsletter. If we understood NFTS we’d auction this off for, like, a billion bitcoins but instead please just bask in the richness of knowing that you, friend, are an early adopter and a part of something important. We really believe we are at the vanguard of a social shift; a new chapter in LGBTQ+ history as more and more of us become parents or start planning for it in the not too distant future.
From Gay to Ze: Not Straight Parenting aims to bring together a community of queer parents and parents-to-be so that we can share advice, experience and all the joys and general craziness that comes with family. We’ll be offering an insight into our own lives as a Dad of three through adoption (Stu!) and as the other mother to a wildly precocious three-and-a-half year old (Lotte!). And boy, do we have some tales to tell.
A little further down the line we will be offering you an opportunity to join the Gay-Ze club and for just £4 per month, have access to extra content including webinars with experts on adoption, fostering, surrogacy and IVF as well as a community forum and even more personal insights and tips from the two of us.
But this newsletter will continue to be free so please share it with friends, family and allies who might be interested in LGBTQ+ experiences of being or becoming parents.
OK, that’s the end of the Parish Notices. Let’s get into it.
I - (Lotte here, hello) - went into my daughter’s nursery this week in my role as Parent Governor. I was given a clipboard and a pen (anyone who knows me, will know how happy this made me) and I got to observe a morning across the different classrooms. I’ve recently realised that I am actually Kevin in Motherland, the super eager Dad who wants to be involved in everything.
Maybe I’m over compensating for the fact that I’m not my daughter’s biological mother - or maybe I’m just that kind of annoying keen bean that other parents have a shadow What’sApp group to bitch about. I’m certainly looking forward to becoming some kind of VITAL PRESENCE when my kid starts primary school and nominating myself as leader of the School Gate - that’s a thing, right? I’m already in training to beat the Dads in the Sports Day parents race. Competitive, moi?
Anyway, for now I’m pushing my LGBTQ+ agenda on the local nursery. I’ve recently been in to read my picture book to the children. Cue Stu rolling his eyes that I have another book out that I won’t shut up about! But yes, it’s true - My Magic Family is being published by Puffin on May 26. It’s about a little girl with two Mums who discovers that all her friends have different kinds of families too. You can pre order it here. And I’ll be offering subscribers invites to launch events and a chance to win signed copies so please share this newsletter with anyone you think might be into that.
I recently delivered the nursery a stack of diverse picture books that are now in circulation. I wonder how straight parents will react to their child coming home with Heather Has Two Mummies in their book-bag? Positively I hope.
I was thrilled to see that the children had been reading Julian Is A Mermaid, and were making headpieces out of fabric to wear and swoosh around the classroom in. I was also pleased to note that the nursery ‘nail salon’ (“it washes off!” A teacher assured me when she saw my clipboard twitching) was over-run with boys painting their nails a variety of sparkly colours.
It was so heart-warming to see what an incredible job this state-run nursery does in the face of vast government cuts to funding.
And I’ve been very heartened that all the staff at the nursery quickly took on board that I am ‘Mama’ and my wife is ‘Mummy’ - for our daughter the distinction is as important as Mum and Dad is to other children. I made a point of introducing myself when she first started at the nursery (keen bean alert!) and making sure the language all the staff use with my daughter is consistent, just in case she ever talks to them about her family. We wanted them to know that we use the word ‘donor’ and would never say anything like, “she doesn’t have a father”, we focus on the positives of what she does have: Two Mums and a kind donor who gave us the sperm we needed to make you. Being honest and straightforward about how she was conceived has been our approach, and it’s something we spoke about with her from a very early age.
NEWS FLASH!
The subject of books in schools brings us to this week’s NEWS FLASH. How in 2022, in America and for that matter Florida, home of the gayest place in the world - Key West - is something like the Don’t Say Gay Bill and associated book banning actually real life?
This piece in The New York Times gives a useful close reading of what the bill actually says
And this gives some great context into the Disney walk-outs
We were inspired by the kids in Texas starting Banned Book Clubs to enjoy works that explore race, identity and LGBTQ themes which are no longer available in their school libraries.
PAGING MR STU OAKLEY….
Stu has just got back from a holiday in Cuba. He picked a gay-friendly destination but didn’t bank on the hotel being a hotspot for homophobic Russian people. Yikes! He left me a voicemail, old school I know, to spill the Tea about his trip.
TIME OUT!
This week’s Time Out goes to St Thomas’ hospital in central London, where our friends D&K recently welcomed their second child. After a planned C-Section delivery the two women were put on a ward where staff had apparently never encountered lesbian Mums before (mind-boggling). When D introduced herself to the midwife as the ‘other’ mother, she looked her up and down and said “You don’t seem old enough”. Yep, this medical professional had assumed she meant that she was her wife’s mum, and not the new born baby’s Mum. Despite there obviously being only a two-year age gap between the couple, somehow THIS scenario made more sense to the nurse than there being two female parents. Wild! D also said she was repeatedly referred to as ‘Dad’ by nurses on the ward and was generally astounded by the lack of understanding at a central London Hospital.
GOLD STARS!
Gold Stars this week go to Oscar Isaac for saying “I guess my comment would be gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gayyyyyy,’ “ when asked about the Florida Bill, while urging Disney to oppose it. And also for looking HOT TO TROT in a skirt at the Moon Knight premiere.
Barometer: What our kids say is HOT or NOT this week…
Hotter than a Starbucks Babyccino
STICKS
Dirty dog-mauled giant ones that have to be carried around in the bottom of the push chair for no logical reasonSCOOTING LIKE A MANIAC
Learning to use a scooter but refusing to be told how to steer it so frequently crashing into lamp posts and veering into the roadNEGRONIS
The only drink in the world to calm the nerves of an adult after a trip home with said learner driverDOC MC STUFFINS
This cartoon child and her magic stethoscope make tantrums disappear, until you turn it off (shame it’s Disney)
Colder than that day you didn’t wear jacket
DRINKING WATER
Suddenly disgusting and never to be offered as a refreshmentYOUR PLANS FOR THE DAY
Not keen. Has a much better ideaGETTING DRESSED
Boring and unnecessary
MAMA DANCING AND/OR SINGING
Now expressly forbidden in the Jeffs household
ps. next week we’ll be sharing some biiig news. So please subscribe and tell your friends
pps. If you’d like to share a queer parenting anecdote with us or let us know who you think deserves a Gold Star or a Time Out email lotteandstu@gmail.com
