Gotta get through this: Parenting resilience

Googling symptoms, calling 111 and keeping Christmas cheer flowing

And we’re back! Sorry for the two-week hiatus. Life happened and writing this fell further and further down the to-do list. I found out recently that someone in my family has cancer. After that first initial panic, I shifted into a duller kind of dread but then the news became weirdly normalised after a time, and as anyone (surely everyone) who has experienced such challenges will know - you just have to get on don’t you? Get on with work, with Christmas parties, with parenting. Gah parenting! It never stops, no matter what is going on in other aspects of your life you’ve just got to hold it together and make those blasted Jolly Jars and remember Christmas jumper day and bring in a pound for the book fair etc etc.

Courtesy of the brilliant satirical parenting platform Hurrah for Gin!

My family has experienced a lot of grief. A mother has lost her daughter, a son has lost his mother, a daughter has lost both parents, not to mention the grandparents we’ve said goodbye to along the way - as a family we’re a puzzle with so many pieces missing and yet we still somehow feel complete, probably because these experiences have bonded us and the family has shifted and expanded with new partners and children coming into it. We’re very close and don’t have the petty arguments and fallings-out other families seem to because I guess, we know how lucky we are to be here and to be together.

Below is a song by my cousin Romy, she’s more like a sister to me really because we lived together for a period of her childhood - I’m sure she won’t mind me saying that she is one of my family members who has experienced a lot of loss in her young life. This beautiful song is about admitting that it’s ok to ask for help - ‘you’ve been strong for so long’ she sings, ‘you learned to carry this on your own. Let me be someone.
You can lean on.’ The boy she’s embracing in this video is our nephew Luis. He lost his Mum at the age of 7. So it’s a pretty powerful piece of work for my family and will I’m sure resonated for many of you (it’s also an absolute banger!)

Ho ho ho! This isn’t quite the twinkling festive newsletter I’d planned but I know a lot of people have had a tough few months so I wanted to talk about resilience, which is I think (in a completely unfounded and unscientific opinion), a queer superpower. Most of us won’t have got this far as LGBTQ people, especially people with kids, without having encountered experiences that push us to the limits of what we can survive.

Does this make us better parents? I think so! The very experience of starting a family when you’re not in a fertile cis heterosexual relationship sets you up well for the highs and lows of actually having kids. The wanting and the trying and the waiting is something we can always remember when times are tough - better this sleepless night or hideous tantrum than all of that longing and loss.

I’m writing this from my daughter’s tiny single bed - she’s asleep with my wife upstairs after being poorly with Scarlett Fever all day. It’s so horrible when they’re ill isn’t it - and this is certainly the time of year for it. I’ve learnt how to control my anxiety for my daughter’s sake and maintain a positive, easy breezy outlook while I’m googling symptoms and on hold to 111.

How do you teach resilience? Can you? Or is it something you only gain through experience? I’d love to know your thoughts.

If you’re dealing with sick kids or other challenges this winter, feel free to chat to me about it here - knowing you’re not alone can be reassuring in hard times.

I promise next week will be a fun-filled romp through queer parenting Christmas! But for now, stay safe, stay sane and keep on keeping on!

Lotte x

What paid subscribers will get later this week: Good news for HIV positive people who want to be parents, Rebel Wilson, The world’s oldest baby and Gay-Ze approved Christmas kids stuff in the capital. Please consider becoming a paid subscriber! It’s only £4 a month.