Do you say gay?
Should we be talking to our young kids about our own gender and sexual identities?
Here’s a question: Do you say gay? Obviously you do socially, culturally and politically. As a Gay to Ze subscriber you no doubt believe banning the so-called ‘promotion’ of homosexuality in schools, censoring books and curtailing Pride festivities and the like is utter madness. But what about at home, with your own young children? Do they know the word ‘gay’ or ‘queer’ or ‘trans’ yet and if not, why not?
I began challenging myself on this recently as my almost-four-year-old daughter knows the word otoscope (the ear checking thingy in a doctor’s kit FYI) but she doesn’t know the word gay. We have a few books featuring same sex parents including my own My Magic Family (out next Thursday!!) and we have one about a pride parade but none of these stories actually label the sexuality of the characters. At home we talk about having two mums or two Dads but we don’t say queer or gay or lesbian. There’s a sense that these words aren’t appropriate - that it would be shocking to hear them from such a small person.
But if I really interrogate why I feel this, the root of it is, I think, shame. I grew up under the shadow of Section 28 when it was actually illegal to talk to young people about anything other than heterosexual relationships. Even my own liberal, open-minded parents would whisper that someone was gay, as if saying it out loud was rude, even if that person was openly gay.
Gay and lesbian were insults shouted in playgrounds, so to feel comfortable owning these labels as queer people has been a journey for many of us. But maybe it’s important we don’t bring our own baggage to parenting and so with this in mind last weekend I tried out the words with my daughter for the first time.
We were at a cafe that had a Pride flag hanging in the garden. “Do you know what that flag celebrates?” I asked E.
“Rainbows!” she said, with the absolute certainty that she is always right, and knows more than me about everything despite the fact I have been alive for 36 more years than she has.
“It’s actually celebrating gay Pride” I said, deciding to ‘go there’ by starting with the G in the LGBTQ+ kaleidoscope with the intention of working up to the “+”
“...gay is when a man loves another man or a woman loves another woman. And we call it straight when a man loves a woman. So me and Mummy are gay and Arlo’s Mummy and Daddy are straight. Does that make sense?” [disclaimer, I’m totally aware of the nuances of the queer spectrum and actually my wife doesn’t even necessarily identify as gay but for the purposes of this initial conversation it felt like a good place to start].
“Are you a laaaady who loves another laaaady?” Asks E with a cheeky glint in her eyes.
“I don’t really like the word lady, can I be a person?”
“Can I have an ice cream?”
Later that morning, back home E told my wife that “Mama is a person who loves another person” and I thought that was quite beautiful.
The next day we went to our friend’s house. They are a two-Mum family as well so I asked them if they’d introduced their four-year-old to the word gay yet. Their perspective was an interesting one, and equally valid. They don’t want to put a label on something that just is. Their son accepts he has two Mums with a purity and innocence and they want to avoid him encountering social constructs for as long as possible.
I get this, but personally I want E to be as familiar with the lexicon of gay, lesbian, bisexual and trans as she is the contents of her many toy first aid kits. I feel there’s a power in these words being normalised from an early age as they become factual rather than emotive.
As with so many facets of parenting, there is no right or wrong and we’d love to know what your thoughts and experiences on this are.
NEWS FLASH
These lesbian Moms in the US say their kid was denied a place at a school because of their sexuality
Bette Midler offered this unwanted opinion of the nationwide baby formulae shortage in America. We don’t want to have to break up with a gay icon, but Bette, this was bad.
Jake and Hannah Graf are off to Dublin where their surrogate is due to give birth any day now. We wish them a good and happy birth! Their last child was born at the height of the pandemic, so hopefully this is an easier experience for everyone
The fertility watchdog is considering whether to recommend scrapping anonymity for future sperm and egg donors as part of an expected overhaul of UK fertility laws.
It’s a short and sweet newsletter this week as I’m busy preparing for the launch of My Magic Family on Thursday. Hope you’ve got your copy!
I wrote this piece for Grazia Magazine about the book and why it’s so necessary
And if you are interested, I also poured my heart out about turning 40 and my evolving sense of self which you might find interesting. Here is the piece