Bluey is The Warmest Colour
Nope, there's nothing sexy about parenting, but that doesn't mean the end of intimacy according to sex therapist Dr Karen Gurney
Did you get it? The email heading pun I mean.
The thing about writing a Substack newsletter is there’s no editor to say, ‘Lotte, that isn’t funny’, I can literally write whatever I like and throw it out into the wind. I thought it was quite clever - seeing as how this newsletter is all about parenting and sex and Blue is The Warmest Colour is a v sexy imho French lesbian movie (yes I know it’s problematic on account of the straight male director but…) and Bluey, is of course our favourite Australian cartoon dog.
There’s really is nothing funnier than someone having to explain a joke.
Sigh.
ANYWAY…
On the podcast this week we had the pleasure of speaking to Dr Karen Gurney, a queer parent herself, and a brilliant sex therapist. You should follow her on Instagram, she’s so great.
Here’s her official bio:
Dr Karen Gurney (she/her) is a clinical psychologist and psychosexologist on a mission to improve the sex lives of the nation. She is a recognised national expert in sex and relationships working for the NHS and The Havelock Clinic in London.
As part of her mission to educate, inform and challenge widely held ideas that harm people’s sex lives she has done two TED talks, and the bestselling book, ‘Mind The Gap: the truth about desire and how to futureproof your sex life. She uses her Instagram account ‘Thesexdoctor’ and online workshops to make sex therapy accessible to everyone, and to bring ideas out of the sex therapy room for social change.
You can listen to the podcast here and below I will share the 10 things I learnt from our wide ranging chat about sex, intimacy and queer parenting.
And scroll down (I mean, ideally read the words, don’t just skip to the bottom of the email) because we’ll share some great resources and an exclusive discount code for From Gay to Ze subscribers to Dr Karen’s online course How to not let having kids ruin your sex life
Sign us up!!
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Ten Things I Learnt About Sex and Being a Queer Parent from Dr Karen Gurney
Lesbian bed death is a myth.
Queer women have less sex than straight women. But queer women have three times the amount of orgasms compared to straight women.
Too much emotional intimacy with a partner (eg feeling two halves of one whole and spending every moment together) can make it as hard to switch into a sexual headspace as too much emotional distance.
When straight women have sex with male partners, the sex lasts on average about 18 minutes. When women have sex with female partners, the sex lasts on average about 57 minutes.
Humans aren't designed to be monogamous. There's no evidence that monogamy works. It just happens to be a dominant structure.
Maintaining a poly or open relationship with kids can be challenging but not impossible.
Being time poor and being tired are the two number one reasons people give when they're parents for what gets in the way of their sex life.
iI's actually quite hard for our bodies not to get turned on. The thing that will get in the way of that is pressure or our cognitive brain over thinking.
Queerness is much more than acts of sex. Queerness is about attraction, it's about fantasies, it's about our social circle, it's about our politics.
It shouldn't be that we've only got a sex life if we're having sex together. It should be that we're being sexual together when we're flirting, when we have a quick passionate kiss because we haven't got time for anything else, when we smack each other's asses as we walk past each other in the kitchen.
(I also learnt about Stu and his husband’s ‘movie nights’ 🙈)
“Desire can be nurtured. But if it’s not there at a particular time (eg after you’ve put the kids to bed) the best gift you could give each other at that stage is to allow each other a little bit of time and space for it to emerge. So, for example, you might need to go for a walk around the block if there's someone else at home with the kids. You might need a bath. You might need to change your outfit . You may just need the passage of time.”
Dr Karen Gurney, on the podcast From Gay To Ze
Here are some sexy resources for you
How to not let having kids ruin your sex life (online course on demand)
For 15 per cent off use code GAYTOZE15
PLUS….
-How to have the conversation to get the sex life you want
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