Are queer parents still fun people?
Plus: Lotte's lap dance from Rihanna, homophobic nurses and gay Grandads
“I want to get back to the fun person I was”, I confess to Joe. We are sitting in a food hall by the river Douro in Porto where, to mark my upcoming 40th birthday I have arranged a mini-break with two of my best friends. We have just had a Wordle race and I guessed it was PLANT on the second line, so I am feeling giggly and flush with victory. I take a sip of my small beer, Joe looks at me kindly and says “Babe, you’ve never been a fun person”. *
Joe looks at me kindly and says “Babe, you’ve never been a fun person”. *
Oh, the outrage! But, he’s not wrong. I was the kid at sleepovers who actually wanted to go to sleep. I was the teenager at parties who filled beer cans with water, and the student at Freshers Week who preferred to binge watch Will and Grace than get wasted. I always wanted to be a parent, it would be an excellent outlet for my naturally responsible nature, I thought.
Later that night my other friend Sam arrives full of stories of the fight that happened on his Wizz Air flight. He’s buzzing and ready to go out, but it’s already midnight. I secretly look at a photo my wife has sent me of her and E tucked up in bed together. I miss them, but I also am very much looking forward to the novelty of getting an uninterrupted night’s sleep in the beautiful apartment we’ve rented for two nights. The boys go out to a gay club and I lie in bed looking at photos of my daughter FFS.
The next morning we hop on an old fashioned tram down to Foz by the coast for brunch. I order a margarita to prove that I can actually be a fun person thank you very much, and because I suddenly feel footloose and fancy free without a three year old screaming at me for snacks.
I suddenly feel footloose and fancy free without a three year old screaming at me for snacks
By afternoon I have drunk a number of cocktails and am relaxing into the dynamic of being on my own with friends. It feels unfamiliar, having such prolonged adult conversation. I somehow locate the ‘me’ I was before I was a parent but there’s a disconnect. Even without my kid tugging at my sleeve, she’s there. My little family surrounds me like a force field, however far away I am from them. As hard as I’ve tried to maintain my sense of myself since becoming a Mum, I’ve been changed by it and I can’t deny that.
My little family surrounds me like a force field, however far away I am from them.
We end up in a fabulous Euro gay club. We watch a drag show and dance and drink espresso martinis. I am ready to tell the many women who throw themselves at me that I’m married and HAVE A CHILD SORRY, but there are A) three women in the entire venue and B) two of them are a couple and the other one barely notices that I’m noticing that she’s not noticing me. Eurgh, I don’t miss being single.
I have some parent friends who have completely given up their social life for their kids, and I have other parent friends who valued their social life so much that they made finding a nanny a priority when their first was born so they could maintain it. There’s no right or wrong way to be a parent in this respect, and personally I think I fall somewhere in between the two extremes.
As queer people, we may have found our people and forged a big part of our identity on ‘the scene’, so still going to gay spaces has a deeper resonance
As queer people, we may have found our people and forged a big part of our identity on ‘the scene’, so still going to gay spaces has a deeper resonance than it does for the straight parents who just want to go to Wetherspoons on a cheeky date night or whatever it is straight people do, IDK.
Spending 48 hours with my two gay besties felt like a fabulous escape from my normal life and it was good, and I think important, to have to be present entirely in my adult self. I find that I’m so used to always thinking about my daughter, I don’t put as much effort in with friends as I should do. I might not be swinging from chandeliers but I do, contrary to popular belief, enjoy a fun night out occasionally (see below).
Now my daughter’s in nursery five days a week, I finally feel that I have some time for myself again. I intend to devote more of it to friends, and the things I love doing that don’t involve a packed lunch and sticker book. Even though in truth, what really makes me feel most ‘me’, is probably being a parent.
*This video of me (yes really) getting a lap dance from Rihanna proves I am a FUN PERSON
What Do You Do When…?
Your mother-in-law refuses to treat you, the non biological Mum, as her grandchild’s other parent
Do you have any experience of this? We’d love your advice. Is it up to your partner to sort this out with her Mum? Should you cut her out of your life? Is there anything you can say to change her views? Please share your thoughts below.
NEWS FLASH!
Instead of obsessing over learning facts, let’s teach children how to think, writes Jim Al-Khalili in The Guardian. ‘.Thinking scientifically is much more than just knowing stuff. It gives us a way to see the world beyond our limited senses, beyond our prejudices and biases, beyond our fears, insecurities, ignorance and weaknesses.’
This star NFL player has two Mums and is proud to introduce them to his fans. Terry McBride told NBC, ‘Really, it's just normal to me’. Kate and Jen McBride told NBC about some of the struggles they faced raising kids as a lesbian couple in the 90s. ‘I remember telling my parents that I'm pregnant, and they said, “Why would you want to have a baby as a single woman?” And I said, “I'm not a single woman. I'm in a relationship.”’
Doctor Strange 2 will not be released in Saudi Arabia because teen superhero America Chavez (above), played by Xochitl Gomez, refers to having two gay parents. Nawaf Alsabhan, Saudi Arabia’s general supervisor of cinema classification, told AFP: “It’s just her talking about her mums, because she has two mums, and being in the Middle East, it’s very tough to pass something like this.”
A woman forged her husband’s signature to have more of his children via IVF without his consent and The Times says this is a thing: “She said, ‘I got pregnant at the clinic.’ I said, ‘How did you do that?I never agreed to anything like this!’”
TIME OUT!
James (aka @2dadsandalittlelad) took his son L for his covid vaccine in Essex last week. L was greeted by a woman who asked him some basic questions then said“is this your dad?” James tells us that L answered “it’s my daddy, I have two dads, my baby brother and me are both adopted”. The woman made some pleasant comment and went off to whisper in another person’s ear.
This person then came over then directed her questions at James. In front of both of the boys. “are you a single parent?”
“No”
“Is there a mum?”
“No, he has two dads”
“Are you his legal guardian?”
“No I’m his parent”
“Is your name on his birth certificate?
“No my name is on his adoption certificate”
“Well who’s name is on his birth certificate?”
“His birth mum”
“But you’re his guardian?
“No I’m his parent
“I hope you don’t mind me asking, I have to make sure you’re the right person to authorise this”
“It’s fine”
James says it was not fine, obviously, but at that moment the baby had opened the nurse’s cupboard and was pulling cotton wool balls over the floor, and “I didn’t want to cause any more of a scene”. James tells From Gay to Ze, “I’m mainly irritated that it happened in front of my son. To have my authority or validity as his parent questioned. And he’s so confident and well-adjusted about his life story, it’s just frustrating for strangers to come along and whack dents in it. Also we’re really open with him about that stuff, but she didn’t know that, and maybe not all parents would be.
Have you ever said something is fine to avoid a situation escalating? Feel free to share your stories here.
Picture Book of the Week
We love this gentle story of a little girl who learns more about her late Gramps from her Grandad, his partner. She helps him come to terms with his loss and rediscover his joy for life and adventure as he shares his memories of their love. Harry Woodgate is the queer writer and illustrator and it’s a beautiful, peaceful book - perfect for bedtimes. Buy Grandad’s Camper
